A Broken Vessel

Please click on this link and watch the 11 minute video before reading this blog:
Like a Broken Vessel  

I have been a broken vessel.  I have known what it feels like to be in the pit of depression with little hope or means of climbing out of its dark and crumbling walls.  I have felt the fog of despair and chest crushing anxiety that often go with it, and I have seen people close to me suffer the same.  I do not understand why mental illness strikes some families and not others.  I guess for the same reason diabetes or heart disease does or does not.  Mental illness is a battle with your own brain that sucks solace out of your soul and leaves you feeling numb and in pieces.  You long for a wholeness that you do not think possible to attain.  Some have to find the courage to live with the fact that they may be fighting it for the rest of their lives, but as they fight, they find a strength within themselves that they did not know was there.  They find that they can do hard things--very hard things.

There are those who misunderstand and misdiagnose mental illness as a spiritual disease.  They say things like, "If you would just read your scriptures more, pray more, serve more, etc. etc., life would get better and you would be healed by a power greater than yourself."  Well, I believe in that power with all of my heart, but I also believe that we are all destined to carry some burden(s) in life to school us and mold us into someone better.  I know that God can and does make those burdens lighter to carry, but He does not always take them away.  Mental illness, sinks us to our knees, begging for the anchor of our soul to stabilize us through the deep waters, and in due time we catch glimpses of love's light illuminating a few steps in front of us.  Sometimes that is all we see, but it is enough to give us hope.  

I believe that our brokenness is an opportunity for us to notice how the Savior fills in the cracks in our souls slowly but surely as we seek His help.  That help may come in the form of medication that I believe God inspires men to make.  It may come in the form of therapy, physical exercise, or self-help books.  It surely comes through fasting and prayer--perhaps not immediately, but gradually.

I cannot say that I and others that I am close to will ever be completely healed in this life, but I can say that joyful living is possible through the atonement of Christ.  Though dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us, and threaten our peace to destroy; there is hope smiling brightly before us and we know that deliverance is nigh (We Thank Thee O God for Our Prophet, LDS Hymn).

Like a Broken Vessel: Talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

No More Strangers

For behold, are we not all beggars?  Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind? (The Book of Mormon, Mosiah 4:19)

Recently our church leaders encouraged us to reach out to those in our communities who are in need, specifically the many refugees who need help acclimating to a new life.  Because my son is planning on going to medical school in a few years, he had been planning on doing some volunteer work while he is home for the summer, so I thought I might as well jump on the service bandwagon with him.  He decided to attend an orientation for volunteers at a homeless shelter called The Road Home in downtown Salt Lake City, and I nervously made the decision to go with him.  We approached the building with some trepidation as there were people covering the sidewalk and spilling into the street.  They were refugees in their own right--having lost a place to call their home, with no family or friends to depend on.  Many, desperate for social communication, were improvising by talking to themselves--a creative way to keep from going crazy.  I was overcome by the sheer number of homeless refugees that surrounded us.  They were strangers to me in every sense of the word, with strange mannerisms, strange clothing, strange speech--much like the foreign refugees who are pouring into our cities around the country.  Yet, somehow these refugees had been judged and sentenced before even having the chance to tell their story.  They were outcasts,  nameless street citizens, but I was struck with an overwhelming understanding of who they really are beneath all of their dehumanizing dust.  They are children of God, my brothers and sisters, and I could not ignore them any longer.  But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself . . . .  Be not forgetful to entertain strangers:  for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.  For . . .  I was a stranger, and ye took me in:  naked and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me:  I was in prison, and ye came unto me.  Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me (The Holy Bible:  Hebrews 13:2, Leviticus 19:34, Matthew 25:35-36, 40).   I decided I would throw my starfish into the ocean one at a time.

My first volunteer experience was sort of a baptism by fire.  Josh and I went to help out at the preschool/playgroup that is held for children at the Midvale Road Home, which accommodates over 300 parents and children.  When we arrived, the volunteer coordinator was in a meeting downtown, but the kids came anyway--over 20 of them from age two to around six.  Crazy does not even begin to describe our experience!  However, layers of misjudgment were peeled away that day as I interacted with parents who love their children as much as I love mine.  A young father brought his son to us.  I had him pegged from the get go as not the best of dads based on his appearance, but I felt humbled as he lovingly explained to me his son's emotional and medical problems so that we would know how best to care for him.  He seemed hesitant to leave him alone and even checked on him a little later through the window.  This father taught me two valuable lessons: The only home love requires is an open and willing heart, and love is love, no matter what package it comes wrapped in.

But Jesus said, "Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me:  for of such is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 19:14).  After serving at the homeless shelter preschool twice now, I have learned some beautiful lessons and look forward to learning more.  These children are desperate for play, and they can entertain themselves better than kids who have roofs over their heads. They do not need TV, video games, or Ipads to be happy.  They find enjoyment in the simple things--PlayDoh, dolls, cars, and dress ups.  They love to use their imagination.  They have creative minds with just as much potential as children who attend school consistently.  Many of them have been taught to share, to help clean up, and to say, "Thank you." Most have not lost the light of hope in their eyes, but some have. They know how to love and want to be loved in return, and most of them have parents who love them but do not have the means to take care of their physical needs adequately.  Many are being raised by single mothers, but a surprising number of fathers are still doing their best to care for their children as well.  Their smiles melt your heart and make you cry when you leave to drive to a home that has everything you need and then some.  The plight of their families overwhelmed me with sadness at first and made me wish more could be done, but as Mother Teresa so wisely said, What we do is nothing but a drop in the ocean, but if we didn't do it, the ocean would be one drop less [that it is].  Perhaps the most important lesson I continue to learn is that service does more for the giver than for the receiver.

One important thing to note:
While I whole-heartedly support helping where and when we can, I am not promoting the support of pan-handling.  I learned something valuable during my Road Home orientation.  The volunteer coordinator told us that when a pan-handler tells people that he or she needs money for food or other basic needs or says that the homeless shelter is full, he/she is either misinformed or not being completely honest.  If this happens to you, refer them to The Road Home or other homeless shelters.  The volunteer coordinator assured us that the shelter has everything individuals or families need to care for themselves and if they don't, they will find it.  They also never run out of beds.  They have many empty buildings across the street from the shelter to house those in need of shelter.  Knowing this may relieve you of guilt the next time you are confronted with pan handling.  The best thing you can do for them is to talk to them.  They need to know that someone cares.

"Foxes have holes, and . . . birds . . . have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head." Apparently, the Creator of heaven and earth "and all things that in them are" was, at least in His adult life, homeless (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Are We Not All Beggars, October 2014 LDS General Conference).  Let us not judge another until we know their story and even after we know their story.  We all depend on that God who gave us life for all that we have.  We all need His grace for the mistakes we make everyday.  While our mistakes may not leave us physically homeless, they still make us unworthy of all the blessings He gives us anyway.  Let's not deny others our service and love just because we think they have brought their condition upon themselves.  After all, don't we all do this in one way or another by our own misguided steps.  I have performed in a prison where I have seen men who have made serious mistakes but have a strong desire to feel and share the love of the Savior.  They had the light of hope in their faces despite their circumstances.  May we carry this same light to those, who like us, may not always be able to help themselves.

To my children, I echo Elder Holland's words:  I don't know exactly how each of you should fulfill your obligation to those who do not or cannot always help themselves.  But I know that God knows, and He will help you and guide you in compassionate acts of discipleship if you are conscientiously wanting and praying and looking for ways to keep a commandment He has given us again and again.  I also know that although I may not be my brother's keeper, I am my brother's brother, and "because I have been given much, I too must give."

Articles, videos and websites on this subject that I highly recommend:
Anges We Have Heard on High--Jamesthemormon Music Video
Are We Not All Beggars? By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
I Was a Stranger: Love One Another
I Was a Stranger by Linda K. Burton
Refuge from the Storm by Elder Patrick Kearon
The Road Home